Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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