Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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