I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
