tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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