I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
