One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
