I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
