The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
