oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize