just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize