After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
