I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
