the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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