It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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