Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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