k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
