you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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