I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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