I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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