I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
