im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need a beard to bite.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
