I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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