Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
