so that wasnt chicken after all
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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