Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
