Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
