Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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