a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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