Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
