Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
