just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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