you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
