she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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