I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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