I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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