I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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