Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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