Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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