it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
