Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
