New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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