every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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