Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
