I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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