Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
