i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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