dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
