i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
