Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
