I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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