i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize