he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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