can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize