There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize