my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i think i have two assholes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
