Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
