True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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