pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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