Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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