last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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