I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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